#firstworldproblems

This week I have been having a fair bit of self-doubt across many aspects of my life and I really need to give myself a big kick up the arse about it.
Self-doubt at being a mother, self-doubt at work, self-doubt at organising the wedding to the high standard I’ve set myself and doubting that I’ll be able to run a marathon in two months time.
I’ve been sick all week and have been house-bound pretty much the entire time which means I have only ran once and that does not help my overactive mind one bit. Far too much time to over-think.
The Curly-Haired Monster is also sick which is where the self doubt as a mother comes into play.
Being winter he often has the sniffles and more so when he is teething so I wasn’t overly concerned when he had a runny nose early in the week. He also had a slight cough but nothing to be concerned about – I’m not one to rush him to the doctor over every snotty nose and little cough.
He had a bit of a weepy eye too on Monday but it appeared to clear up.
Anyway he had been a bit hard to handle this week – a fair bit of tantrum throwing and waking constantly at night. The Boy and I were getting pretty frustrated and put it down to teething and just a phase.
I dropped him off at day care on Wednesday only to be called later in the day to be told he might have conjunctivitis. His eyes started to weep mid-morning. I immediately made a doctor’s appointment and picked him up.
Fast-forward and he was diagnosed with an ear infection in both ears, conjunctivitis and very, very mild bronchitis. Oh. My. God. Worst. Mother. On. Earth.
The poor kid was in immense pain and The Boy and I were annoyed because we weren’t getting any sleep.
We both felt so bad and I started questioning my ability to be a mother. I kept thinking a good mother would have taken him to the doctor straight away, a good mother wouldn’t get frustrated, a good mother has the patience of a saint.
I was doubting myself so much I even thought at one stage I shouldn’t have had a baby – I’m useless, too selfish and suck at this parenting gig I thought to myself.
Ugh. Shut up brain.
I took a day off work also this week because I was feeling so ill which inevitably put me way behind. I got to work yesterday and had so many emails requesting help, not to mention a list as long as my arm of stuff to get through.
Also my workmate is on leave so I was already doing the work of two people crammed into three days – now make that two days.
If there’s one thing I hate doing it’s asking for help. I hate it – I don’t want to be seen as weak or incapable. Long story short I had to ask for help yesterday to get through my workload. Ugh cue self-doubt at my competency to handle a heavy workload.
The wedding. It is literally keeping me up at night. I can’t sleep because I’m stressed it won’t all come together.
I’m stressed because I am doing everything on my own. I’m stressed because The Boy just doesn’t get how much stuff is involved.
He has not once taken it upon himself to organise anything and if I delegate a task it’s “forgotten” about or left to the last minute so I end up doing it myself.
He offers to help but I know he doesn’t really want to. I know he is going to so angry at me for typing the above.
I am a control freak. He knows this, I know this.
My bridesmaids offer to help but I feel bad asking them to.
Ugh I just want it all to be semi-perfect. There’s so much to do and it’s only three months away.
Prior to the wedding I am going to run my first full marathon. That’s the plan anyway.
This week my training had been a massive fail. It’s not my fault – I can’t breathe properly and I feel awful.
I’m better off resting but now I’m thinking what if I don’t get enough long runs in, what if I hit a wall and can’t go on, what if I don’t finish, what if my hip gives me too much grief and I have to pull out. What if I go out too fast and end up crying/walking the last 10km.
Ugh shut up brain.
To non-running folk this is going to sound ridiculous but I know if I could just get outside and go for a run all of this self doubt would evaporate and I’d be rearing to go again.
I’m aware how very first-world problems this all sounds but I’m not even viewing them as problems I’m just going to accept I’m feeling very overwhelmed this week.
In a nutshell – shit happens and life goes on. *Arse kicked*
Lets do this!

Guess who’s back?

Okay so I have decided to jump aboard the ole blogging train again. I’ve been doing a fair bit of reporting at work again and realised just how much I missed writing. I also realised just how rusty and out of practise I am and you know what they say practise makes perfect 🙂

So here it is the dawning of a new era. Newsroom to Nursery is back!

This year has been so crazy and is only going to get crazier. So far this year I have returned to work three days a week and trained for and finished a half-marathon. I have also been busy planning The Boy and mine’s wedding which will be in October, not to mention being a mother, maintaining the home and enjoying an active social life. Just to make things even crazier I am now training for my first-ever full marathon which is in September. Yep that’s 42.195km craaaaaazy!

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Luckily I thrive on being busy and a little stressed. I think having something to strive for at all times is important in maintaining sanity and focus in life especially now that I am a mother.

Flashback to when I was pregnant and I remember being petrified I’d lose my sense of self – I can confidently say this has not happened. If anything since becoming a mother I have a higher sense of self and I have become more aware of who I am. Mums out there who are feeling lost and consumed by motherhood – I implore you all to take some time out for yourself, find something you love doing and just do it! My life-saver has been running but I will leave that for another post entirely.

The Baby – who from now on will be referred to as the Curly-Haired Monster – turned one two weeks ago. ONE WHOLE YEAR. I can’t believe how fast those twelve months have flown by.

The Boy and I threw a party for him – a Pirate Party to be precise – and we had about forty friends and family over for the momentous occasion.

Instead of having the usual day-time kids’ party we kicked things off about 3pm and didn’t finish up until 2.30am. The Curly-Haired Monster was in bed by 8pm but then it was time for mummy and daddy to celebrate – we survived our first year as parents yippee!

Needless to say we were pretty knackered the next day especially with a 5.30am wake-up call from the mini-human.

The party was so different to the usual shindigs The Boy and I are used to throwing – there were kids everywhere. Admittedly I was quite overwhelmed to begin with but after a few wines I felt much better.

He was very spoilt with not just love but a ton of gifts. The Boy and I have kept toy-buying to an absolute minimum as we would rather spend our cash on experiences – like holidaying  – not plastic which will end up in landfill however now our living area is covered in the Curly-Haired Monster’s things. While he loves all of his amazing new things his favourite activity is pulling the rubbish out of the kitchen recycle bin or emptying the Tupperware cupboard and pantry.

We also refrain from giving him any sugar or junk food because after all he is only one! However he was very lucky to have not one but three birthday cakes. The Boy constructed a pirate-ship cake for his actual birthday which we let the Curly-Haired Monster smash – he loved every second of it – and then he built a bigger version for the party. I also baked – packet mix because I fail at baking from scratch – red-velvet cupcakes which were personalised with his name, age and pirate hat. All cakes were a massive hit. I think everyone had a good time – but most importantly the birthday boy did.

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*sigh* I still can’t believe he is one – he will be moving out before I know it …