First of all let me sincerely apologise for what your dad and I have been calling you whilst you’ve been in utero, Predator. It’s not that we believe you to be an extra-terrestrial being from another planet it was just that when we saw you via ultrasound for the first time you resembled the creature made famous in the 1987 film of the same name starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.
It was your dad who made the connection by the way not me – I haven’t even seen the movie so if you have any beef take it up with him.
You are due to make your appearance into the world in 10 days but realistically you could arrive any day now. We are super-excited to meet you and hope you won’t be disappointed when you meet us. Just between you and me – your dad and I are both pretty fantastic and I’m certain we will be great parents. However please keep in mind we are new to this parenting gig and there may be times where we make mistakes and seem overwhelmed by it all. There may be yelling, there may be crying but it doesn’t mean we don’ t love you.
We have set up your room, bought you a pimped out ride and don’t worry you have many clothing options – although most items are white or neutral. It’s difficult to find fashionable items which aren’t considered gender specific. Although hopefully we will raise you to realise there is no need to conform to gender stereotypes.
On the subject of raising you to be an awesome human all we want for you is to grow up to be healthy, happy and to never give up chasing your dreams.
Don’t ever let anyone say you can’t do something – unless it’s your dad and I – and you’re asking to go to so-and-so’s unsupervised party. We were young once and we know what goes on. We know alcohol will be involved and no we will never buy it for you so don’t even bother asking. Also if we catch you smoking we will force you to smoke an entire pack of filter-less Winfield Reds in one sitting.
Lately we have been wondering what kind of human you will be and what traits you will pick up from the two of us.
Hopefully you will have your father’s sense of humour, he is a pretty funny guy, although I must warn you he has been practicing his ‘dad jokes’ for the past 13 or so years – they can be quite embarrassing. He has this habit of repeating the joke several times if no one has laughed. I then have to inform him it wasn’t that no one heard the joke, it was that nobody found it funny. Awkward.
I hope you inherit my literacy skills and from a young age can appreciate the difference between there, their and they’re as well as your and you’re – if you can do this I will be the proudest mum on the planet. Please don’t ever unnecessarily change the spelling of words or resort to net/textspeak. This will make mummy very angry and we may have to find new parents for you. Also alot is not a word.
Your dad loves sport – sometimes I think he loves it more than me – I am not so fond of sport and it’s okay if you are not so fond of sport. However you must follow the AFL and no matter what you must never, ever become a supporter of the Fremantle Football Club. EVER. This is also grounds for a new home. You will be upsetting a lot of people if you break this rule.
At the age of six months I will be
forcing enrolling you into dancing lessons. Your dad thinks it’s way too young I say you’re never too young to become the next Beyonce or Justin Timberlake. Anyway it’s not technically dancing it’s more to do with musicality which was recently proven to produce better humans – you can thank me later.
You have been born into a world which is heavily driven by technology. There are positives to this yet there are also some downsides to this. One such downside is children – or perhaps it’s their parents – have become lazy. Instead of going outside and using their imagination to play they are indoors on computers playing video games. You will not be one of these kids. There will be time constraints for television watching and you will not be able to work my smartphone better than me. Sorry kiddo it’s old-school playtime for you.
Toys will be limited too I’m afraid. We’d much rather spend our money taking you to exciting places than splashing out on the latest plastic creation which you will no doubt grow sick of after a week or so. We are already planning your very first overseas trip to New Zealand next year. I’m also trying to convince dad that a trip to Bali is necessary in order to expand your cultural horizons.
Now is probably a good time to reveal you are half Kiwi thanks to your dad who is New Zealand born and bred. You don’t have to let anyone else know if you don’t want to. I completely understand. It can be our little secret.
If there is one pearl of wisdom I can impart on you, it is to always be yourself and try not to worry what other people think. Granted this is much easier said than done. During your high-school years you will find this especially tough but I guarantee life is much easier once you learn not to care what others think. The people who try to bring you down in life are usually jealous and have their own stuff going on so don’t take it personally.
Other pearls of wisdom include:
- Don’t be afraid to speak your mind and be sure to question everything.
- Chase your dreams.
- Travel the world, go on crazy adventures, meet lots of new and exciting people.
- Try different things.
- Read books – or whatever the equivalent is.
- Ignorance is not bliss – stay educated and never stop learning.
- Believe in yourself.
- Don’t eat junk food or drink soft drink – both are unnecessary evils.
- Always use your manners and be respectful to others.
There are many things your dad and I hope for you but we especially hope that no matter what you will always feel comfortable enough to talk to us about anything and that you remember we will love and support you no matter who you are.
Now hurry on up out of there so we can get to know you!
Maternally yours, Mumma.