Hi my name is …

Beyonce and Jay-Z named their baby girl Blue Ivy - since when have colours been considered names?

With just eight weeks to go until the arrival of baby Predator I’ve decided it’s high-time The Boy and I put our collective heads together to come up with a suitable list of names. Somehow I doubt Predator will go down too well in the schoolyard or with the rellies although it may keep bullies at bay.

Over the past few months we have started compiling a list however it is not as easy I was led to believe. For a start we have chosen not to find out the gender of our baby until he/she makes his/her long-awaited appearance. This is making things very difficult especially as I’m convinced we are having a girl.

So far we have about two boy names while I could rattle off at least six suitable girl names.

Also making it harder than it should be is The Boy’s reluctance to take this task seriously. He thinks it is fun to throw in names he has either made up or which haven’t been in use since the 1800s. I love old-fashioned names but there is a line which I’m not willing to cross.

We have chosen not to reveal any of our names to friends or family to save the inevitable negative comments which are sure to follow i.e.

“We were thinking Summa” – “Oh I went to high-school with a Summa and she was a complete b*tch.”


“What about Reighnbeau” – “WTF are you thinking?”

By the way neither of these names is up for consideration.

I’m starting to become obsessed with choosing the perfect name and am often trawling websites, reading birth notices and looking in my favourite books for inspiration but alas there is nothing either of us has fallen in love with.

Perhaps our criteria are too rigid.

Things to consider when choosing a name …

  1.  it needs to flow with The Boy’s surname i.e. it can’t rhyme or sound similar to it, I don’t mind alliteration though.
  2. it may sound cute when he/she is little but will it transcend into adulthood – something Jamie Oliver and his wife should have considered when naming their offspring Poppy Honey, Daisy Boo, Petal Blossom Rainbow and Buddy Bear.
  3.  no inappropriate, incorrect or wacky spelling – for example no swapping i for y, c for k, or s for z, it’s Georgia not Jorja. The spelling and grammar of kids these days is appalling enough as it is so there’s no need to confuse our mini-human by giving he/she a poorly spelt moniker.
  4.  if the name can be shortened will it still be okay – although my line of thinking is why give your child a long name if you’re going to call him/her something else anyway e.g. Harrison – Harry, Elizabeth – Liz.
  5.  it needs to be easy to spell/pronounce. No one likes repeating their name 10 times over when introducing themselves nor do they like having to spell it out just as many times. Spare a thought for poor L-A – pronounced Ladasha.
  6. it can’t be too popular. If it features in the Top 10 Baby Names of 2012 it’s not going to be considered. Who wants to be known as Jack M or Emily C when they get to primary school?
  7.  however it can’t be too unique – I like different names but to an extent. If a celebrity thinks it is appropriate then chances are it really isn’t. The late Frank Zappa takes the cake for giving his poor offspring a lifetime of grief – Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet and my personal favourite Muffin Thin Diva.
  8.  it can’t be a family name – I don’t like the idea of giving our daughter or son the first or middle name of one of our parents/grandparents etc. I would worry other family members would be offended if their name wasn’t chosen and I’d much rather give our offspring its very own name.
  9.  no teasing allowed – this one is hard because schoolkids are mean and will turn any name into a cruel taunt. There are ways to lessen the inevitable though by choosing a name which doesn’t rhyme with parts of the anatomy, a derogatory term or choosing not to give your boy a feminine name or your daughter a masculine name.
  10.  it has to suit the baby – this one we won’t know until we meet him/her.

Ugh so now you understand our dilemma – it’s really, really hard.

Any advice is most welcome. Or if you know of any crazy names which you have come across please leave a comment, I could do with a good laugh!

Maternally yours, It’s-not-just-a-name